"rocky balboa"
Act one
FADE IN:
ext. Model home - night
A single light shines in the kitchen window.
Narrator
It was 3am, and Michael couldn't sleep.
A second light turns on.
A MICROWAVE BEEPS.
Int. Model HOME - kitchen - conTINUOUS
MICHAEL (in pajamas) looks pretty beat.  He takes a glass of warm milk out of the microwave.
LINDSAY enters (in pajamas), points to a canister of "Breezifan Herbal Supplement" on the kitchen counter.
LINDSAY
Put some Breezifan in that.
MichAEL
Breezifan causes short-term memory loss and that hand thing.
ANGLE ON:  the warning list on the side of the canister of Breezifan, which lists a slew of side effects, including "Fatigue", "Memory Loss", "Paranoia", "Phantom Limb Pain", and "Hand-Fascination Syndrome".
NARRATOR
Those were two of Breezifan's twenty-seven possible side-effects.
BACK TO SCENE
Lindsay
You need sleep.
MICHAEL
I'm fine.
LINDSAY
("Aha!")
You're having nightmares again.
MICHAEL
(LYING) No.
TOBIAS enters theatrically (in pajamas).
TOBIAS
Ah, the terrors of the night.
MICHAEL
It's 3:15 -- why are you people up?
Tobias puts a hand on Michael's shoulder.  Discomfort.
TOBIAS
No one is immune.
Michael tries to get out of his grasp.
TOBIAS
I, for one, have this recurring dream of a giant eel, trying to squirm its little way into my --
MICHAEL
Tobias, this won't help anybody sleep.
TOBIAS
My point is, I have nightmares, too.
Int. Model HOME - lindsay's bedroom - night (A FEW MINUTES EARLIER)
Tobias and Lindsay are asleep.  Tobias tosses and turns a bit.
CAPTION:  "A few minutes earlier"
TOBIAS
(MURMURING) No... no....
Tobias bolts upright and awake, in terror.
TOBIAS
(TO NO ONE) Lindsay, stop kissing me there!
Lindsay wakes up, gets out of bed, stomps out of the room; Tobias doesn't notice.  
In the kitchen, THE MICROWAVE BEEPS.
Int. Model HOME - kitchen - conTINUOUS
Right where we left off.
TOBIAS 
If you have a nightmare, just wake  yourself up.  In the dream, splash cold water on your face, or pinch yourself on the --
Michael takes a protective step away from Tobias.
The FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.
MICHAEL
I get the idea.
GOB enters, dressed in all black.
GOB
So, Michael's having the naked dream again.
MICHAEL
Doesn't anyone sleep around here?
Int. Model home - maeby's bedroom - continUOUS
MAEBY is asleep, tossing and turning a bit, but smiling.
GEORGE-MICHAEL is very awake, all pent-up frustration.
MAEBY
(MURMURING) Mmm.  Steve Holt.
BACK TO SCENE
GOB
Lemme guess:  big speech for work, no idea what you're gonna say, no pants...
Tobias chuckles.
TOBIAS
And on that note, it's back to Slumbertown with me!
Tobias exits with a spring in his step.  Lindsay notices Michael still has the mug of warm milk.
LINDSAY
Are you gonna drink that?
Int./ext. The STATION WAGON/lucille's neighborhood - day
Lindsay looks glamorous, in contrast to the station wagon she drives through the fashionable neighborhood.
Narrator
The next day, Lindsay tried to visit her mother.
Int. The bluth home - day (1975)
Two infants (BABY LINDSAY and BABY MICHAEL) throw food at each other, screaming at the top of their lungs.  
Narrator
When Michael and Lindsay were babies, Lucille bought a pair of noise-cancelling headphones.
ANGLE ON:  A YOUNGER LUCILLE sits at the kitchen table, ignoring the children and reading a magazine (the Balboa Bay Window, with the headline "Music for the Ages with the Captain and Tennille").  
She wears noise-cancelling headphones.
NarRATOR
Lindsay knew that those headphones could solve her sleep problem.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Again, Lindsay and Tobias are asleep, but Tobias is tossing and turning.  Tobias sits bolt upright.
TOBIAS
(TO NO ONE) No, Chuck Norris, we just can't!
Lindsay's eyes open.
Int./ext. The STATION WAGON/lucille's neighborhood - day
Pylons block the road; behind the pylons, a DIRECTOR, a CAMERAMAN and TWO ACTORS shoot a scene around a (faked) car accident.  A pair of noise-cancelling headphones hangs around the cameraman's neck.  One of the actors ("Actor #1") wears shoes identical to Lindsay's.
Lindsay approaches the pylon-barrier in the station wagon.
LINDSAY
(ANNOYED) What?
ANGLE ON:  Lindsay's fancy shoes; a loose strap from her right shoe is tangled around the gas pedal.  Lindsay tries to hit the brakes.
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS
The station wagon shudders forward, with Lindsay panicking inside.
The cameraman films the station wagon.
The station wagon flattens a pylon, knocks over a streetside trash bin, and stops.
LINDSAY
Dammit!
She stumbles out of the station wagon and starts kicking it.
DIRECTOR
(SOTTO VOCE) Are you getting this?
The cameraman nods.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, Michael dealt with the problem that was keeping him awake.
EXT. PRISON - DAY
The stair car sits in the parking lot.  A bit of "mystical" music plays.
GEORGE SR. (O.S.)
I hear your troubles.
INT. PRISON visitation lobby - CONTINUOUS
INMATES and VISITORS converse while GUARDS look on.  Michael and GEORGE SR. sit at a table.  George Sr. wears a makeshift yamulke.  Michael looks troubled.
A map of "The Sudden Valley Development" covers the table.  It shows a larger area in green and a smaller, peripheral area in red.
GEORGE SR.
Just one DVD.
MICHAEL
I'll get you a copy of Soapdish.
George Sr. smiles beatifically.
GEORGE SR.
Ah!
MICHAEL
Now if the zoning board blocks --
GEORGE SR.
It's such a good movie.
MICHAEL
Dad?  
Michael points at the red area.
MICHAEL
If the zoning board blocks us from buying this land, we won't have room to build the houses we promised.
GEORGE SR.
You always worry about worst-case scenarios. 
George Sr. takes a closer look at Michael.
GeorgE SR.
Have you been losing sleep over this? 
MICHAEL
(LYING) No.  
GEORGE SR.
You're not having the no-pants dream --
MICHAEL
(LYING) I'm fine.  But if the zoning board doesn't play ball, the Bluth Company is finished.
GEORGE SR.
Convince the zoning board that you're a good, upright citizen.  
MICHAEL
That's it?  Okay.
GEORGE SR.
Y'know, put on a show.
MICHAEL
It won't be a show, but okay.
GEORGE SR.
Pretend to be a decent guy.  And seriously --
He puts his hands on Michael's shoulders. 
GEORGE SR.
Face your fears.
GUARD
No touching!
George Sr. retracts both hands, genuinely afraid. 
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Lindsay argues with the director.  The cameraman holds out a clipboard and pen.  The actors sit by the 'crash', bored.
DIRECTOR
Just sign this release, and we can use our footage in the film.
LINDSAY
You were filming me?! 
DIRECTOR
It's for a video -- 
LINDSAY
What kind of f(BLEEP)s are you?
CUT TO a shelf of driver's ed videos:  "Blood in Balboa", "Cocaine + Limos:  the Deadly Combo", "Drivers with Low Self-Esteem".
NARRATOR
They were the filmmakers behind a series of successful driver's ed videos.
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Same as before.
DIRECTOR
This scene is about how you should wear comfortable shoes while driving.
CAMERAMAN
Instead of what *you're* wearing.
LINDSAY
Wait... I'm going to be in a "what not to wear" video?
DIRECTOR
Kind of.
LINDSAY
That would be a first.
NARRATOR
Actually, it would be a second.
INT. NEWS 8 STUDIO (on Tv)
The ANCHORMAN sits at the NEWS DESK in front of a picture of Lindsay in an elaborate (and quite ugly) swan dress (á la Bjork) at the "Children's Animal Shelter Fundraiser".  
A chiron reads "Faux Pas for Poor Pets".
ANCHORMAN
Dressing bad while doing good... up next.
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Lindsay looks happy, the director looks relaxed, and the others pass the time playing cards.
Director
... because glamorous shoes can make the brake pedal harder to reach.
LINDSAY
So everybody sees how glamorous I am?
DIRECTOR
Exactly.
ACTOR #1
So we aren't shooting the 'crappy shoes' scene?
Lindsay looks at her own shoes, then at the actor's, then gets ready to punch the actor.
NarrATOR
Lindsay still hadn't made up her mind, until she saw some of the filming equipment.
The cameraman steps in to stop Lindsay.
Lindsay notices something.  ANGLE ON:  the cameraman's noise-cancelling headphones.
LINDSAY
Let's make a deal.
EXT. bANANA STAND - DAY
In the same pavilion as the banana stand, WORKERS set up a bandstand with a large banner that reads "BALBOA DANCE FESTIVAL".
Casually-dressed DANCERS mill around the pavilion.  Some of them dance to the 30S HOT JAZZ (which sounds rather like the show's score and theme) on the PA system.  Among the dancers, STEVE HOLT dances particularly well.
(Note that they are dancing 'Balboa', a partner dance characterized by quick, shuffling steps and close proximity between partners.)
George-Michael walks up to the banana stand.  
To his surprise, Maeby is already there.  She sees off A CUSTOMER and turns her attention to George-Michael.
MAEBY
You're late.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
I had trouble sleeping, 'cos... 
Int. Model home - maeby's bedroom - night
Same scene as earlier.
MAEBY
(MURMURING) Mmm.  Steve Holt.
BACK TO SCENE
EXT. bANANA STAND - daY
Same as before.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
(LYING) 'cos of that demon caffeine.  But... why are you here?  You're never here on time.
Steve Holt walks up to the banana stand.
STEVE HOLT
Hey.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
How may I --
Maeby smoothly steps in front of George-Michael and gently-but-firmly shoves George-Michael aside. 
MAEBY
Steve!  I didn't know you danced!
STEVE HOLT
Yeah.  (PUMPS HIS FISTS IN THE AIR)  Dance Festival!
CUT TO A BLUEPRINT OF THE PAVILION.  An arrow labeled "BANANA STAND" appears, pointing to the banana stand.  An arrow labeled "DANCE FESTIVAL" appears nearby.
NARRATOR
Every year, Balboa Island held a dance festival right across from the banana stand...
CUT TO A PHOTO of a 1930's couple dancing balboa in the pavilion.
NARRATOR
... where a dance called "The Balboa" had originated in 1932.
BACK TO SCENE
A slower song plays.  Maeby glances at a couple dancing very very close.
STEVE HOLT
(POINTING TO MAEBY AND GEORGE-MICHAEL) You guys watching the contest?
MAEBY
Yeah!
STEVE HOLT
(PUMPS HIS FISTS IN THE AIR) Steve Holt!
Maeby can't help but raise her fists slightly as well.
Steve Holt exits across the pavilion.
INt. MRS. GRAVELY'S classroom - DAY
MRS. GRAVELY (60), middle-aged but still intense, alert, and severe, sits behind her desk in the otherwise-empty middle-school classroom.  The neat rows of desks and drab, informative wall posters reflect Mrs. Gravely's sense of order and rectitude.
Michael tentatively enters, wearing casual clothes.
NARRATOR
Michael found out that one of the members of the zoning board was Marjorie Gravely, his seventh-grade English teacher.
MICHAEL
Mrs. Gravely?
MRS. Gravely
Michael Bluth, yes?  The zoning board applicant?
MICHAEL
And former student made good.
MRS. Gravely
This is irregular, meeting you without the board present.
MICHAEL
It's not a meeting.  (OFF OF MRS. GRAVELY'S REACTION)  It's me... reminding you that I was a good kid, and I'm a good guy, and I run a good company... that you can trust.
MRS. Gravely 
You?  The boy who demonstrated that ill-fated 'rabbit and the seven deadly knives' trick?
MICHAEL
That was GOB.
MRS. Gravely
And set an entire row of desks on fire?
MICHAEL 
Also GOB.
MRS. Gravely
And burst out crying when he got a C minus on his report on The Grapes of Wrath?
MICHAEL
Okay, that was me.
Mrs. Gravely rolls her eyes.
MICHAEL
How can I convince the board to trust me?
MRS. Gravely
The entire board is attending tomorrow night's BIAS fundraiser.  You can meet us informally.
EXT. PUBLiC GARDENS - DAY (1985)
YOUNG GEORGE SR. smiles and cuts the ribbon in front of a park with a giant pair of scissors.  A sign reads "Balboa Island Animal Sanctuary".  Various ATTENDEES applaud.
nARRATOR
BIAS stood for "Balboa Island Animal Sanctuary", which provided a habitat for native island creatures.
A little fuzzy creature leaps on George Sr.'s neck.  He screams, drops the scissors, tries to pull it off of him, and falls out of frame.
INt. High school classroom - CONTINUOUS
Michael smiles affably as Mrs. Gravely finishes her speech.
MRS. Gravely 
Perhaps you can make a good impression.  
Michael
Great!
Mrs. Gravely
Or we'll give you something to cry about.
Michael stops smiling.
faDE OUT.
end of act one
act two
FADE IN:
INT. THE MODEL HOME - living room - DAY
A boombox plays "The Final Countdown".  A top hat sits on the table.  Several knives stick into the hat.  GOB flourishes a long knife while Tobias looks on.
narrator
Michael wasn't the only Bluth family member furthering his career.
GOB plunges the knife down into the hat.
GOB
And now you see the rabbit...
GOB pulls the long knife from a hat.  It has impaled a stuffed bunny rabbit.
GOB
... is completely okay.
Tobias gasps.
Lindsay enters, with the noise-cancelling headphones around her neck.
LINDSAY
What happened to Mr. Fluffytail?
GOB hastily puts away the long knife.
GOB
Showbiz stuff.
TOBIAS
She's not on the showbiz wavelength.
LINDSAY
Funny -- today I got a paying job for a film.
narrator
They had 'paid' her by letting her buy the noise-cancelling headphones at a significant discount.
TOBIAS
And I managed to get a bit part on House.
INT. House auditions - day
Tobias enacts a monolog in front of a small crowd of bald, moustached gentlemen.  He wears a patient's gown.
Narrator
This was a lie.  Tobias had auditioned for the Fox show...
TOBIAS
"I ain't crazy, but I is real threatening."
NARRATOR
Adding a unique touch to his monolog.
Tobias dramatically pulls a (real) gun and aims it.  People duck, generally panic, etc.
narrator
Unfortunately, the show's star was just around the corner.
ANGLE ON:  HUGH LAURIE, who jerks back a couple of steps and peers around the corner at Tobias.
NARRATOR
He didn't get the job, and from then on, actor Hugh Laurie was convinced Tobias was trying to kill him...
INT. HOUSE TRAILER - DAY
Mr. Laurie eats Chee-tos and watches a small CCTV with footage of Tobias arguing with a barrista in a café.
NarrATOR
... and obsessed on tracking Tobias's activities.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - living room - DAY
Right back where we left off.  
Lindsay puts her noise-cancelling headphones over her ears.
lindsay
After my tough showbiz day, I think I'll go to sleep.
TOBIAS
... but not with me, of course.  Because I have work to do... House-work, that is.  Huh?  Huh?
Tobias exits -- all the false confidence leaves him once he's no longer looking at GOB.
GOB
I've got to get a showbiz gig.
INT. bias fundraiser auditions - dAY
DORIS and ANDREA, a couple of elderly volunteers with name tags, sit at a desk.  A sign reads "BIAS Fundraiser Auditions".  They look on in horror as GOB stabs a big knife into a hat with several knives stuck into it.
DORIS
Mister Bluth!  That's horrific!
GOB looks puzzled.  He holds up the long knife -- again, he's impaled the stuffed bunny on it.  GOB laughs it off.
GOB 
And the other six knives didn't stab the rabbit.  It's a quality illusion.  
The volunteers look on in shock.
GOB
This is because I got kicked out of the Magician's Guild, isn't it?
Doris and Andrea share a worried look.
NARRATOR
Neither Doris nor Andrea had heard of the Magician's Guild.
DORIS
(HUMORING THE CRAZY MAN)  Sure.
GOB
I've got to get back into the guild.
EXT. MODEL HOME - NIGHT
The house is completely dark.  Crickets CHIRP.
A DOOR OPENS.
INT. MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
George-Michael enters and turns on the light.  He is exhausted and spattered with chocolate.  
Tobias gets up from an easy chair.
GeORGE-MICHAEL
Tobias!
TOBIAS
Wondering why I'm awake?
He hugs George-Michael; George-Michael is alarmed.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Am I in trouble?
TOBIAS 
I lied about the acting job!
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Aunt Lindsay said you were "Crazed Patient #3".
Tobias whimpers.
George-Michael extricates himself from the hug.
TobIAS
Never mind... just go to sleep.
George-Michael heads for his room.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Yeah, the dance festival is crazy.
George-Michael exits.
narrator
Suddenly, Tobias saw a new way to prove himself as an entertainer.
TOBIAS
Dance?
EXT. the docks - night
GOB walks along the empty, shadowy quayside.  He wears the black outfit and watch cap from the first scene.
TED (38) -- dramatic, clean-cut, more than a little paranoid -- steps out of the shadows.  Ted is about the same height & build as GOB, and wears an obviously-cheap black suit.
TED
GOB.
GOB
Ted.  Where were you last night?  
TED
The location was compromised.  Alliance spies.
GOB
Well, I waited until three in the morning!
EXT. REST STOP - NIGHT
GOB (in the black outfit and watch cap) sits at a picnic table at a rest stop by the highway.  BARRY ZUCKERCORN slinks by, notices GOB, stops.
BARRY
GOB?  What are you doing here?
GOB
Nothing.  What are you doing here?
BarRY
Nothing.
An uncomfortable pause.
EXT. the docks - night
Right back where we left off with GOB and Ted.
TEd
Security is a top priority.  What you're proposing is against all the rules of the Magicians' Alliance.
GOB
Listen, I have money.  I have connections to the upper crust of society.
NARRATOR
GOB had neither.
TED
If you make it worth my while, I can get you back in the Alliance.
GOB 
In your face, Doris!
A confused Ted mouths:  "Doris?"
INT. LUCILLE'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - day
Michael enters, dressed casually.  LUPE vacuums the rug.  (It's quite loud.)  LUCILLE sits at a table wearing the high-tech headphones and reading the latest issue of Balboa Bay Reader.  (Graphic:  a couple, dancing balboa.  Headline:  "Balboa Dance Fever!")  BUSTER sits beside Lucille, polishing her jewelry collection.
Lupe sees Michael, turns off the vacuum. 
MICHAEL
Mom?
Michael touches Lucille's shoulder.  She takes off the headphones.
MICHAEL
Mom, where do I buy tickets to the BIAS fundraiser?
LUCILLE
You came all the way here just to ask me that?
MICHAEL
I guess you couldn't hear the phone over the vacuuming.
BUSTER enters from his room.
BUSTER
Did you say the BIAS fundraiser?!
LUCILLE
You can't go, Buster.
MICHAEL
What's at the BIAS fundraiser?
NARRATOR
Only one thing could motivate Buster to try to get to the fundraiser at all costs.
BUSTER
Steve Guttenberg!
CUT TO a computer screen showing a Steve Guttenberg fansite.
NARRATOR
Buster had run a fansite called "Project Guttenberg"...
CUT TO a computer screen showing the Project Gutenberg website (with a large graphic of Johann Gutenberg).
NarRATOR
... until another site with the same name forced him to shut it down.
BACK TO SCENE
LUCILLE
Nobody likes a creepy fan, Buster.
BUSTER
(CREEPILY)  I'm not creepy.
Michael
Tracking Steve Guttenberg's speaking engagements is kind of creepy.
LUCILLE
I'll call you.  (STAGE WHISPER)  When Buster's not here.
int. luCILLE'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - day (later)
Again, Lupe vacuums and Lucille has her headphones on.  GOB stands right in front of Lucille, but she ignores him.
narrator
Later, GOB arrived as scheduled.
GOB
So, if you could loan me some money.  Or if you could get Ted into some kind of upper-crust soiree.
Lucille doesn't respond.
GOB
Fine.  I give up.
GOB exits.  Lucille signals Lupe; Lupe stops vacuuming.
int. the MODEL HOME - living ROOM - NIGHT
Tobias sits in the same chair.  George-Michael enters.
NARRATOR
That night, George-Michael returned home from work to an alarmingly-familiar situation.
TOBIAS
Back so soon?
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Maeby's manning the stand.
ext. the banana stand - night
Steve Holt leans against the counter, talking to Maeby, who stands behind the counter and listens wearily.  Steve Holt demonstrates a dance move.
STEVE HOlt
... and in that turn, balance is key, 'cos -- 
MAEBY
You know what?  Don't talk.
int. the MODEL HOME - living ROOM - NIGHT
Right back where we left off.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Do you just wait in the chair all night for me to come home?
TOBIAS
Yes... to thank you!
GEORGE-MICHAEL
That's a little less creepy.
TOBIAS
For telling me about the Dance Festival!  I'm entering the dance contest with Lindsay!
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - nIght
Lindsay is fast asleep, hi-tech headphones on her head.
int. the MODEL HOME - living ROOM - NIGHT
Tobias hands some DANCE-CONTEST TICKETS to George-Michael.
TOBIAS 
Take these extra tickets, and I'll go tell Lindsay about the contest.  "Not an entertainer", my eye!
Tobias exits.
GOB enters, carrying a CLASSY-LOOKING SUIT on a hanger.
GOB
George-Michael.  Your Dad isn't home, is he?
GeorGE-MICHAEL
Not yet, I --
GOB leaves the suit on the couch and darts upstairs.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
That can't be good.
Lindsay enters wearing the headphones.  Tobias follows.
TOBIAS
It'll be fun!
Lindsay sits on the couch, accidentally sitting on the suit.  She looks at the label.
ANGLE ON:  the label of the suit:  "Armooning".
LINDSAY (o.S.)
"Armooning"?
CUT TO a shot of a fashion catalog for the "Armooning Fall Collection".
NARRATOR
Armooning, a fashion label that catered to the exotic dance industry...
int. FASHION CATWALK - DAY
A MALE MODEL walks along the catwalk in a sharp suit, while PHOTOGRAPHERS snap photos.
NARRATOR
... was known for its knockoffs of fashionable clothing lines...
int. garment factory - day 
A bored GARMENT WORKER holds up two pieces of fabric attached along a Velcro seam.  She tears them apart and puts them back together.
narRATOR
... and their patented "E-Z-Tear" Velcro seams.
int. the MODEL HOME - living ROOM - NIGHT
Michael enters (still dressed casually) in a hurry, holding up a ticket marked "RASP".
michael
Got the fundraiser ticket!  Need coffee.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Let me make it.
MICHAEL
You sure, buddy?
INt. living room - night (5 years ago)
This is different from the model-home living room.  George-Michael sits in an easy chair and watches the TV in horror.
NARRATOR
George-Michael had never made coffee, on account of early exposure to Mormon propaganda about the dangers of caffeine.
TV ACTOR #1 (on tv)
He's dead!
TV actor #2 (on tv)
Another life ruined... by the demon caffeine!
int. the MODEL HOME - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A pot of coffee brews in the coffee maker.  George-Michael opens the large canister of Breezifan that we saw at the start.
nARRATOR
... which was why George-Michael mistook Breezifan for non-dairy creamer.
EXT. The model home - driveway - night
GOB, in his all-black "Ted meeting" gear, stands in front of a brick wall.
narrator
Meanwhile, GOB and Ted met at yet another secret location.
Ted enters, dressed as before.
TED
This is your house?
WIDER SHOT REVEALS:  yes, it's the model home.
GOB
No!  Don't go!  I've got a bribe for you.  A classy Armani suit.
TED
(INTRIGUED) Hmm....
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - night
GOB and Ted sneak into the front door.
GOB
Where's my suit?
Ted eyes GOB suspiciously.
INT./EXT. THe stair car/the highway - night
Michael drives the stair car down the highway.  He looks a little drugged.  He wears GOB's suit.
NARRATOR
It was on Michael.  
INT. the MODEL HOME - KITCHEN - night
Same as before.
ANGLE ON:  the Breezifan warning list.
NARRATOR
The Breezifan had made him absentminded, and he put on GOB's suit...
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - night
Right where we left off.
ANGLE ON:  the BIAS ticket on the living-room coffee table.
NARRATOR
... and forgotten his ticket -- which would answer GOB's second question.
GOB 
(TO HIMSELF) Now what am I gonna get this guy?
GOB sees the ticket, grabs it, hands it to Ted.
TED
Wow!  Thanks!
FADE OUT.
end of act two
act three
FADE IN:
Ext. the model home - night
Several lights illuminate the windows.
NARRATOR
That night, Tobias got ready for the dance festival.
int. the MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - night
Tobias and Lindsday come down the stairs.
TOBIAS
But we already entered the contest!
LINDSAY
You never even told me about it!
TOBIAS
Yes I did!
int. the MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - day (the day before)
Tobias stands by the door talking to Lindsay, who lies on the bed with her headphones on, reading a fashion magazine, oblivious.
TOBIAS
Yes, Lindsay, I *am* an entertainer.  I am dancer.
No response from Lindsay.
TobIAS
And to that end, I've entered us in the Balboa Dance Contest.
Lindsay gets up.
TOBIAS
Silence will imply you're okay with that.
Lindsay leaves the room, and Tobias follows.
int. the MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - night
As Lindsay exits, Buster enters through the front door.
Narrator
Meanwhile, Buster wanted to plead one last time for a chance to see his idol.
tobias
(TO LINDSAY) I thought it would be a nice artistic outing for the whole family!
narrator
Buster assumed that Tobias was talking about the fundraiser.
Buster
Hey, can I go?
Narrator
Tobias assumed that Buster was talking about the dance contest.
TOBIAS
Well, without Lindsay, what's the point?
BUSTER
Oh, I'll go with you.
TOBIAS
Great!
Tobias exits.
Buster pumps both fists in the air.
BUSTER
Steve Guttenberg!
int. the model home - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - night
Tobias stalks through the bedroom, catlike, and carrying a bunch of Lindsay's clothes and a makeup kit.  LINDSAY'S CELL PHONE RINGS.
Tobias freezes and gently picks up the cell phone.
TOBIAS
(WHISPERED) Hello?
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER - NIGHt
Michael stands near the front entrance, where a DOORMAN stands with arms folded.  He has his cell phone to his ear.
MICHAEL
Tobias?  I can't find my ticket -- could you bring it by the Civic Center?  I can't find my, uh...
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT - NIGHt
The stair-car keys are still in the stair-car ignition.
NARRATOR
The phrase Michael was looking for was "car keys".  
int. the model home - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - night
Same as before.  Tobias BEEPS the cell phone off.
NARRATOR
Fortunately, Tobias got the message.
TOBIAS
Michael wants to see the dance contest, too!
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Ted parks his car and gets out.  He gets out his ticket and eyes it suspiciously.
NARRATOR
Ted arrived with his fundraiser ticket.
ANGLE ON the ticket, which says Michael Bluth.
NARRATOR
Which had Michael Bluth's name on it.
INT./ext. the station wagon/balboa civic center parking lot - night
Tobias pulls into the parking lot.  He's in drag -- an outfit similar to what Lindsay was wearing at the film shoot.
Buster sits in the passenger seat, looking confused.
BUSTER
You still haven't said why you're dressed like a lady.
TobIAS
Because *you're* my dance partner!  Look, let's just pick up Michael and we'll go to the dance contest.
ext. balboa civic center - night
Michael notices the station wagon entering the parking lot.
Michael
Thank god.
INT./ext. the station wagon/balboa civic center parking lot - night
Same as before.
BUSTER
We're not going to the fundraiser?
TOBIAS
No.
BUSTER
No Steve Guttenberg?
TOBIAS
What?
BUSTER
(CRAZED) No Steve Guttenberg?!
TOBIAS
I... I don't know --
Buster screams. 
Neither of them watches the road.
EXT. balBOA CIVIC CENTEr PARKING LOT - night
Ted walks quickly through the parking lot.  He emerges from a line of parked cars and turns to see the station wagon bearing down on him.
TED
No!
INT./ext. the station wagon/balboa civic center parking lot - night
Tobias looks forward and sees Ted walking out in front of the car (as before).
Tobias screams.
BUSTER
Brakes!  Brakes!
ANGLE ON Tobias's foot.  He's wearing Lindsay's shoes, which we saw from the film shoot before.  A shoe strap is looped around the gas pedal, as before.  After a few tries he successfully hits the brake.
NARRATOR
Unfortunately, Tobias was wearing the sort of shoes that can make hitting the brakes difficult, and that cost him a crucial split-second.
EXT. balbOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT - night
The station wagon stops, but not before it knocks Ted to the ground.
Buster and Tobias get out of the car.  Both of them stand still, with no idea what to do or what to say.
Michael jogs up.
MICHAEL
My god!  Are you okay?
TED
Michael... Bluth?
MICHAEL
Yeah?
Ted looks at his ticket.
TED
Michael... Bluth.
NARRATOR
To Ted, this sort of coincidence could only mean one thing.
TED
It's a conspiracy!
BUSTER
What?
Ted puts the ticket into Michael's hands.
TED
(TO MICHAEL) Take it!  (TO EVERYBODY) And stay away from me!
Ted limps away.
INT. Klumpy's - night
GOB performs magic tricks in a small cleared-out area in the franchise-restaurant's main dining area.  A little sign says "Magic Night with GOB".  A stuffy MAITRE D' looks on.
narrator
Ted headed across town to GOB's latest gig.
As before, GOB pulls a large knife out of a hat; a plush-toy bunny is impaled on it.
GOB
But the other six knives didn't touch it.
A SMALL CHILD looks on in horror.
Ted storms in.
TED
You lied to me! 
GOB
(SOTTO VOCE) Not during the act.
TED
You're out of the Alliance! 
Ted exits.
The Maitre D' approaches GOB.
MAITRE D'
Sir, this act is Alliance-only.
GOB cries.
narrator
It was GOB's worst nightmare.
ext. bANANA STAND - night
The dance festival is in full swing.  DANCERS fill the pavilion.  Maeby watches Steve Holt dance, while George-Michael serves a long line of CUSTOMERS.
Buster and Tobias enter.  Buster looks very disappointed.  Tobias looks confused.
TOBIAS
I can't compete with this.  I don't even know what they're doing!
Steve Holt approaches.
STEVE HOLT
Ma'am, I can teach you the basic steps.
TOBIAS
Oh -- okay.
They dance awkwardly.
Maeby looks on in horror.
NARRATOR
This hadn't been Maeby's worst nightmare before...
maebY
It burns my eyes, but I can't look away!
NARRATOR
... but it was now.
EXT. baLBOA CIVIC CENTER - night
No activity in the parking lot.  The doorman sits and waits.
ANNOUNCER
We now take a short break, but up next:  Steve Guttenberg!
INT. baLBOA CIVIC CENTER - niGHT
Michael sleeps soundly in a big comfy chair at a table for seven.  MUSIC plays on the PA system.  Festive lights fill the room.
Next to Michael, Mrs. Gravely finishes off her drink (a bottle of Cloudmir Vodka).  Yes, she is a bit drunk.  
Staid-looking ZONING BOARD MEMBERS sit in the other five big comfy chairs.
A smattering of applause.
Mrs. Gravely waves her empty bottle at a passing WAITER.
MRS. Gravely
More vodka!
The waiter gives her a new bottle.  She opens it and pours it into a glass.
CUT TO a trade-magazine advertisement for one of the big comfy chairs, labeled "The LX-7000".
NARRATOR
The BIAS fundraiser was providing LX-7000s, some of the most comfortable chairs in the world...
CUT TO A PHOTO labeled "PREVIOUS YEAR'S FUNDRAISER", showing the same venue, only with unhappy zoning board members seated on very cheap metal folding chairs.
NARRATOR
... to make up for a seating fiasco the previous year that had reduced contributions by 15%.
BACK TO SCENE
MRS. Gravely
Michael, you should say a few words.
Michael grunts, repositions himself slightly.  He wedges his leg in between the seat cushion and the chair's arm.  He wedges his forearm between the chair's arm and the chair's back.
Mrs. Gravely reaches over and shakes Michael.
MRS. Gravely
Michael...
Michael wakes up.  He's woozy.
ANGLE ON the chair, where Michael's arm and leg are wedged into the chair seams.
NARRATOR
Unfortunately, it's easy for clothing to get caught in the LX-7000.
BACK TO SCENE.
Michael gets up quickly.  His pants and half of his jacket tear apart as he does so.  Mrs. Gravely is looking the other way at that moment.
NARRATOR
As Michael soon discovered.
MRS. Gravely
... about your moral character.
Michael takes it all in, woozy and nonplussed.
NARRATOR
And so Michael, without pants, woozy from the Breezifan, and asked to give a speech to pillars of his community including his seventh-grade English teacher, came to the only logical conclusion.
MICHAEL
It's a nightmare!
NARRATOR
And then he remembered Tobias's advice about ending a nightmare by splashing himself with cold water.
ANGLE ON the glass of Cloudmir vodka, which Michael grabs.
NARRATOR
It wasn't water.
Michael splashes the vodka in his face, blinks, and then prepares to scream.
Ext. The model home - night
A single light illuminates the kitchen window.
THE MICROWAVE BEEPS.
int. the moDEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - nighT
The TV fills the empty room with flickering light and soft background noise.
Michael enters, carrying a mug of warm milk.
A DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.
Maeby enters from the front foyer, visibly haunted, still wearing her banana-stand apron.
She notices Michael and the TV.
Michael
I made the news again.
CUT TO a TV still image of Michael in mid-scream, which TRANSITIONS TO the NEWS DESK.  The still image appears as a GRAPHIC.  The CHIRON reads "Faux Pas at Gutten Night".
ANCHORMAN
Another "Bluth Blooper" after this!
BACK TO SCENE
Michael puts the mug on the table and stretches out on the couch.
Maeby sees the TV image.
Maeby
What happened?
mICHAEL
It was my worst nightmare.  But y'know, after you experience what you're most afraid of... you're still okay.
Michael falls asleep.
The TV shows footage of the Balboa Dance Festival.
Spooked, Maeby grabs the remote and turns it off.
She steals Michael's mug and takes a sip.
NarrATOR
On the next Arrested Development...
int. kLUMPY'S - night
Ted occupies the cleared-out area.  A little sign reads "Ted's Magic Night".  The Maitre D' looks on. 
A SMALL CHILD holds a playing card.  His MOTHER looks on.
NARRATOR
GOB tries a different bribe...
TED
Was this your card?
Ted pulls out a playing card from his jacket.  In the process, he rips the jacket off.  
Ted looks nonplussed.  The small child runs to his mother, who eyes Ted sternly.
int. the modEL HOME - KITCHEN - day
George-Michael sits at the counter.  He watches his hand intently as he waggles his fingers.
Michael dumps the Breezifan down the sink.
Narrator
George-Michael tries coffee for the first time...
int. the modEL HOME - Dining room - day
Lindsay, still wearing the headphones, sits at the table and looks at a newspaper.
ANGLE ON:  the newspaper, which shows a large photo of a Mexican street festival.  Tobias, in the foreground, wearing a poncho and sombrero, waves at the camera.  The photo's caption reads "Mexican Piñata Festival".
Narrator
... and Tobias flees from police inquiries. 
int. the modEL HOME - Dining room - day
Same as before.
lindSAY
Is that Dave Attell?
FADE OUT.
End of show