My Name Is Earl - The Tri-County Skynyrd Invitational - Script
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. SMALL-TOWN STREET - DAY
EARL rushes down the street carrying a BOX OF MECHANICAL
PARTS.
EARL (V.O.)
Number two hundred and fifty-four
on my list: "Wrecked a hovercraft
that was not mine."
EXT. DITCH - DAY - FLASHBACK
Earl, covered in mud, engine oil, etc., clambers out of a
ditch.
In the background, thick black smoke blows by, and something
off-camera SPUTTERS and GRINDS.
Two COPS (one is named "Warren") wait for Earl at ground
level.
EARL
Hi, Warren.
WARREN
Earl.
(a nod to the smoke)
This you?
Earl nods, holds out his wrists. Warren pulls out HANDCUFFS.
CUT TO:
INT. MECHANICS' SHOP - DAY - BACK TO PRESENT
A grubby shop floor -- tools, car parts, a pin-up calendar.
XENA (from "O Karma, Where Art Thou?") fixes a button on her
BRIGHT, SPARKLY DRESS.
An OLD MAN (from "Fixed a Football Game") carefully puts a
TIARA on her head. (His HAT and COAT sit on a nearby table.)
Earl rushes in, totally winded, box in hand --
EARL
I got 'em! I got all the parts!
XENA
Earl! You're too late.
Earl is all kinds of disappointed.
FRANK (O.S.)
Try it now, Clel!
Offscreen, a MOTOR REVS UP.
Onscreen a light WIND KICKS UP.
Earl just looks puzzled; everyone else CHEERS.
FRANK (22), a mechanic, enters. The motor turns off again.
EARL
You already --
FRANK
After you told me about your list,
we all decided to pitch in and fix
the hovercraft.
OLD MAN
I paid for brand-new parts myself!
EARL
Wow.
FRANK
Looks like we got it fixed just in
time for --
(snuggles Xena)
-- my new girlfriend's parade!
XENA
And it's all because of Earl
Hickey!
Earl pulls out his list, crosses off the item.
EARL
Now, I'm just tryin' to make things
right.
Frank and Xena exit the way Frank came in.
The old man picks up his hat and coat.
OLD MAN
Shame I can't stay and chat, but
I'm judging for the TCSI.
This gets Earl's attention.
EARL
"TCSI?"
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY - FLASHBACK
A teenage garage band plays "SWAMP ROCK" BY LYNYRD SKYNYRD:
YOUNG EARL (vocals), YOUNG HANDSOME RON (bass), YOUNG HAPPY
EDDIE (guitar), and YOUNG MAD DOG MIKE (drums).
Handsome Ron stands rock-steady, in a cheap New-Wave-looking
suit, skinny tie, and neatly-trimmed hair.
Happy Eddie (always) looks depressed -- he wears all black.
Mad Dog Mike pounds the hell out of the drums, his rage not
so much contained as channeled.
They're raucous and not-entirely-bad.
EARL (V.O.)
Karma was tellin' me it was time to
fix number one hundred eighty-nine:
"Ruined Tapewölf's chances at fame
and fortune."
INSERT: A childish drawing of a wolf that, at its
midsection, cross-fades to a chain of rectangles. Above it
is the word "Tapewolf" in spiky letters.
EARL (V.O.)
We named our band "Tapewölf", after
a mythical beast that was half
wolf, half tapeworm.
A hand reaches into frame and draws an umlaut over the 'o'.
EARL (V.O.)
The little dots were purely
decorative.
BACK TO SCENE
The band does the big finish. Young Earl drops to his knees,
hits a high note; the other three flail at their instruments.
EARL (V.O.)
It was me, Handsome Ron, Mad Dog
Mike, and -- of course -- Happy
Eddie.
CUT TO:
INT. HANDSOME RON'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Cheap furniture, but it still looks kind of swanky.
Young Handsome Ron looks at a sheet of paper spooling out of
a FAX MACHINE.
EARL (V.O.)
But creative differences forced me
to break up the band. Right before
our big break:
The sheet reads: "YOUR FIRED -- Earl" [sic].
EARL (V.O.)
The TCSI.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY - BACK TO PRESENT
Earl has the phone up to his ear. He's on hold.
At the table, Randy tries to bounce nickels into a SHOT GLASS
and CATALINA looks at a few TAPES sitting next to a BOOMBOX.
CATALINA
What's a "TCSI"?
RANDY
It's the Tri-County Skynyrd
Invitational.
CATALINA
What's a 'Skynyrd'?
Randy's jaw drops.
Earl's jaw drops.
The phone SQUAWKS SOMETHING at Earl -- it has to do so
repeatedly before it gets his attention.
EARL
Sorry, what's the name of Happy
Eddie's parole officer?
(beat)
Yeah, I'll hold.
RANDY
Skynyrd is -- it's a celebration of
everything that's pure and good.
Like friendship, and Alabama... and
Skynyrd.
Randy gets lost in this circular thought.
Catalina picks up a tape.
CATALINA
Is this Mr. Skynyrd?
No reply -- Randy is still having his Zen moment.
Catalina pops the tape in, and "TUESDAY'S GONE" PLAYS.
Catalina GASPS.
RANDY
Cool, huh?
CATALINA
This was an old folk ballad in my
village!
EARL
(still on phone)
Did he leave a forwarding address
at the jail? Yes, I'll hold.
CATALINA
They said it was a song about the
chupacabra!
EARL
You'll call back tomorrow?
(sighs)
Okay.
Earl hangs up.
CATALINA
My village is full of plagiarists!
Earl, with no context for that line, is terribly confused.
EARL
They try layin' traps?
CUT TO:
EXT. CLUB CHUBBY'S - SIDE DOOR - NIGHT
A plain brick exterior with a metal door that opens out to an
alley. Faint THUMPING MUSIC.
MAD DOG MIKE (30's) hauls a DRUNKEN PATRON out through the
door. Mike hasn't aged well, but still looks like he could
kick your ass.
EARL (V.O.)
Lucky for us, Mad Dog Mike was easy
to find, since he was the bouncer
at Club Chubby's.
The drunken patron staggers out into the alley.
DRUNKEN PATRON
I'm sorry I caused a problem.
MAD DOG MIKE
Hey, man -- you wanna fight me?
DRUNKEN PATRON
God, no.
MAD DOG MIKE
C'mon.
DRUNKEN PATRON
No.
MAD DOG MIKE
Please?
DRUNKEN PATRON
There's my cab.
MAD DOG MIKE
(demonstrating)
I'll hold one arm behind my back.
Earl and Randy approach Mike, Randy hanging behind. The
drunken patron staggers rapidly out of the alley.
EARL (V.O.)
Mad Dog Mike wanted a job that
channeled his boundless rage, but
it didn't quite work out.
MAD DOG MIKE
Earl Hickey!
EARL
Mad Dog!
MAD DOG MIKE
You wanna fight?
We see (in pantomime) the same routine -- Mad Dog Mike
pleading, putting one arm behind his back, putting both arms
behind his back -- while Earl steadily refuses. Meanwhile,
Earl explains --
EARL (V.O.)
I asked him if he wanted to play
drums again.
The routine stops. Mike hugs Earl.
MAD DOG MIKE
Absolutely!
Earl looks uncomfortable.
Randy just stares through the doorway as a boa flies out
through it.
CUT TO:
EXT. USED CAR DEALERSHIP - DAY
Earl, Randy, and Mad Dog Mike enter a grubby, low-rent used
car dealership.
EARL (V.O.)
Next up: Handsome Ron.
CUT TO:
INT. HANDSOME RON'S OFFICE - DAY
HANDSOME RON (30's) tries to look like the smooth, gigolo
type, but has neither the looks, funds, nor hair (despite a
valiant combover) to pull it off. He carries himself like
it's all working perfectly, though.
His office is cheap and cluttered.
A faded "Salesman of the Month" CERTIFICATE hangs on the
wall.
Handsome Ron sits at his desk, which has PAPERS, an OLD
COMPUTER, FAMILY SNAPSHOTS, and BITS OF KITSCHY ROCK'N'ROLL
MEMORABILIA.
Earl and Mike sit across from him. Randy sits on the floor,
fascinated by a small MODEL CAR on the desk.
HANDSOME RON
Absolutely not.
MAD DOG MIKE
Aw, Handsome Ron --
EARL
But what about --
HANDSOME RON
I've got everything I want in life.
The clothes, the job, the sweet
ride... what am I supposed to get
out of Tapewölf?
Earl picks up one of the bits of memorabilia.
Meanwhile, Randy very slowly reaches for the model car.
EARL
Handsome Ron -- does any of this --
(gesturing at the office)
-- rock?
HANDSOME RON
(fighting back tears)
No.
Everyone notices Randy reaching for the model car.
RANDY
May I play with the li'l car?
Handsome Ron nods, still upset.
CUT TO:
EXT. CRAB SHACK - DAY
Earl, Randy, Mad Dog Mike, and Handsome Ron enter the crab
shack.
Signage out front: "Coming Soon: TCSI!"
CUT TO:
INT. CRAB SHACK - DAY
Earl, Randy, Mad Dog Mike, and Handsome Ron sit on one side
of a table.
HAPPY EDDIE (30's) sits opposite them.
He wears a Well-Mart employee uniform. (Similar to Wal*Mart,
but hopefully lawsuit-resistant.) It has bits of cheerful
flair: a smiley-face pin, an "Ed!" name tag, a tag that
reads, "At Well-Mart, the smiles are free!", etc.
They contrast markedly with his dour, frowning face.
HAPPY EDDIE
Rock'n'roll reminds me of failure.
Everyone GROANS.
HAPPY EDDIE
Things'll turn out bad again!
HANDSOME RON
But you're a great singer!
EARL
Well -- Happy Eddie's a great
guitar-player, that's for sure.
RANDY
It'll be fun!
Mad Dog Mike just stares at Happy Eddie; he carefully makes a
fist with his right hand over and over.
EARL
Mad Dog Mike -- we're doin' "plan
B".
HAPPY EDDIE
Wh-- what's "Plan B"?!
Mad Dog Mike gets up out of his seat. He towers over Happy
Eddie. Mad Dog Mike stomps towards Happy Eddie...
... then past him, and across the floor to the jukebox.
He puts two coins in, presses a couple of buttons.
SKYNYRD'S "WHISKEY ROCK-A-ROLLER" STARTS PLAYING.
RANDY
Ooh! Speech time.
Randy clambers over to the seat next to Happy Eddie.
EARL
Happy Eddie -- karma has told me
that I have to make this right.
And so, it's appointed me, Earl, to
lead us to victory in the
Invitational. This time we're
gonna be rich and famous.
(sung along to jukebox)
Well, I'm a whiskey rock-a-roller --
EARL, HANDSOME RON, AND MAD DOG MIKE
(singing)
That's what I am
Women, whiskey, and miles of
travellin'
Is all I understand --
HAPPY EDDIE
Okay! Okay.
(doubtful)
I'll give it a shot.
The SONG CONTINUES as we --
CUT TO:
SERIES OF SHOTS
(A) Happy Eddie blows some dust off of his old GUITAR CASE,
coughs and winces.
(B) Mad Dog Mike pulls his DRUMSTICKS off of a shelf of ANGER
MANAGEMENT SELF-HELP BOOKS.
(C) Handsome Ron pulls his VAN out of his garage.
(D) Earl puts on his "Lucky Skynyrd Shirt" (the Skynyrd shirt
Earl wears frequently throughout the series).
EARL (V.O.)
Things were lookin' up. I even put
on my lucky Skynyrd shirt for good
luck.
CUT TO:
EXT. HANDSOME RON'S GARAGE - DAY
Earl, Randy, Handsome Ron, Mad Dog Mike, and Happy Eddie
approach Handsome Ron's garage. (The van is parked nearby.)
EARL (V.O.)
Ron offered his garage for
rehearsals.
Handsome Ron points a GARAGE DOOR OPENER at it, presses the
button, and the door lifts, revealing:
CUT TO:
INT. HANDSOME RON'S GARAGE - DAY
It's set up with old-looking instruments: a drumkit, a
guitar, a bass, and a microphone. There is a DISCO BALL
hanging from the ceiling, and SHELVES OF BOXES lining one
wall, and a TRASH BIN.
EARL (V.O.)
A garage which I'd once tried to
rob.
CUT TO:
INT. HANDSOME RON'S GARAGE - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Randy and Earl tiptoe through the same garage, only it's
empty, and they're dressed in black.
Randy pulls a few old issues of Rolling Stone out of one of
the boxes. We might see an article about "Stillwater" (Jason
Lee's band from Almost Famous) listed on one of the magazine
covers.
Earl examines the trash bin.
RANDY
He's got a lotta magazines about
the Rolling Stones.
EARL
(opening trash)
Randy, can you turn on a light?
Randy looks around.
EARL (V.O.)
That led to some bad memories. But
lucky for me, the music took my
mind off it.
INT. HANDSOME RON'S GARAGE - DAY - BACK TO PRESENT
THE BAND PLAYS "DOWN SOUTH JUKIN'", but they sound AWFUL.
Randy sits on the driveway, puzzled.
A SUBURBAN KID walks by, sees the band, sits next to Randy.
The band finishes.
Randy and the kid applaud tentatively.
SUBURBAN KID
(quietly)
Y'all are gonna lose.
RANDY
(quietly)
Yup.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE