Arrested Develoment - Rocky Balboa
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. THE MODEL HOME - NIGHT
Several lights illuminate the windows.
NARRATOR
That night, Tobias got ready for the
dance festival.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Tobias and Lindsday come down the stairs.
TOBIAS
But we already entered the contest!
LINDSAY
You never even told me about it!
TOBIAS
Yes I did!
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - DAY (THE DAY BEFORE)
Tobias stands by the door talking to Lindsay, who lies on the
bed with her headphones on, reading a fashion magazine,
oblivious.
TOBIAS
Yes, Lindsay, I *am* an entertainer.
I am dancer.
No response from Lindsay.
TOBIAS
And to that end, I've entered us in
the Balboa Dance Contest.
Lindsay gets up.
TOBIAS
Silence will imply you're okay with
that.
Lindsay leaves the room, and Tobias follows.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
As Lindsay exits, Buster enters through the front door.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, Buster wanted to plead one
last time for a chance to see his
idol.
TOBIAS
(TO LINDSAY) I thought it would be a
nice artistic outing for the whole
family!
NARRATOR
Buster assumed that Tobias was
talking about the fundraiser.
BUSTER
Hey, can I go?
NARRATOR
Tobias assumed that Buster was
talking about the dance contest.
TOBIAS
Well, without Lindsay, what's the
point?
BUSTER
Oh, I'll go with you.
TOBIAS
Great!
Tobias exits.
Buster pumps both fists in the air.
BUSTER
Steve Guttenberg!
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Tobias stalks through the bedroom, catlike, and carrying a
bunch of Lindsay's clothes and a makeup kit. LINDSAY'S CELL
PHONE RINGS.
Tobias freezes and gently picks up the cell phone.
TOBIAS
(WHISPERED) Hello?
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
Michael stands near the front entrance, where a DOORMAN stands
with arms folded. He has his cell phone to his ear.
MICHAEL
Tobias? I can't find my ticket --
could you bring it by the Civic
Center? I can't find my, uh...
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The stair-car keys are still in the stair-car ignition.
NARRATOR
The phrase Michael was looking for
was "car keys".
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Same as before. Tobias BEEPS the cell phone off.
NARRATOR
Fortunately, Tobias got the message.
TOBIAS
Michael wants to see the dance
contest, too!
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Ted parks his car and gets out. He gets out his ticket and
eyes it suspiciously.
NARRATOR
Ted arrived with his fundraiser
ticket.
ANGLE ON the ticket, which says Michael Bluth.
NARRATOR
Which had Michael Bluth's name on it.
INT./EXT. THE STATION WAGON/BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT -
NIGHT
Tobias pulls into the parking lot. He's in drag -- an outfit
similar to what Lindsay was wearing at the film shoot.
Buster sits in the passenger seat, looking confused.
BUSTER
You still haven't said why you're
dressed like a lady.
TOBIAS
Because *you're* my dance partner!
Look, let's just pick up Michael and
we'll go to the dance contest.
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
Michael notices the station wagon entering the parking lot.
MICHAEL
Thank god.
INT./EXT. THE STATION WAGON/BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT -
NIGHT
Same as before.
BUSTER
We're not going to the fundraiser?
TOBIAS
No.
BUSTER
No Steve Guttenberg?
TOBIAS
What?
BUSTER
(CRAZED) No Steve Guttenberg?!
TOBIAS
I... I don't know --
Buster screams.
Neither of them watches the road.
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Ted walks quickly through the parking lot. He emerges from a
line of parked cars and turns to see the station wagon bearing
down on him.
TED
No!
INT./EXT. THE STATION WAGON/BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT -
NIGHT
Tobias looks forward and sees Ted walking out in front of the
car (as before).
Tobias screams.
BUSTER
Brakes! Brakes!
ANGLE ON Tobias's foot. He's wearing Lindsay's shoes, which
we saw from the film shoot before. A shoe strap is looped
around the gas pedal, as before. After a few tries he
successfully hits the brake.
NARRATOR
Unfortunately, Tobias was wearing the
sort of shoes that can make hitting
the brakes difficult, and that cost
him a crucial split-second.
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The station wagon stops, but not before it knocks Ted to the
ground.
Buster and Tobias get out of the car. Both of them stand
still, with no idea what to do or what to say.
Michael jogs up.
MICHAEL
My god! Are you okay?
TED
Michael... Bluth?
MICHAEL
Yeah?
Ted looks at his ticket.
TED
Michael... Bluth.
NARRATOR
To Ted, this sort of coincidence
could only mean one thing.
TED
It's a conspiracy!
BUSTER
What?
Ted puts the ticket into Michael's hands.
TED
(TO MICHAEL) Take it! (TO EVERYBODY)
And stay away from me!
Ted limps away.
INT. KLUMPY'S - NIGHT
GOB performs magic tricks in a small cleared-out area in the
franchise-restaurant's main dining area. A little sign says
"Magic Night with GOB". A stuffy MAITRE D' looks on.
NARRATOR
Ted headed across town to GOB's
latest gig.
As before, GOB pulls a large knife out of a hat; a plush-toy
bunny is impaled on it.
GOB
But the other six knives didn't touch
it.
A SMALL CHILD looks on in horror.
Ted storms in.
TED
You lied to me!
GOB
(SOTTO VOCE) Not during the act.
TED
You're out of the Alliance!
Ted exits.
The Maitre D' approaches GOB.
MAITRE D'
Sir, this act is Alliance-only.
GOB cries.
NARRATOR
It was GOB's worst nightmare.
EXT. BANANA STAND - NIGHT
The dance festival is in full swing. DANCERS fill the
pavilion. Maeby watches Steve Holt dance, while George
Michael serves a long line of CUSTOMERS.
Buster and Tobias enter. Buster looks very disappointed.
Tobias looks confused.
TOBIAS
I can't compete with this. I don't
even know what they're doing!
Steve Holt approaches.
STEVE HOLT
Ma'am, I can teach you the basic
steps.
TOBIAS
Oh -- okay.
They dance awkwardly.
Maeby looks on in horror.
NARRATOR
This hadn't been Maeby's worst
nightmare before...
MAEBY
It burns my eyes, but I can't look
away!
NARRATOR
... but it was now.
EXT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
No activity in the parking lot. The doorman sits and waits.
ANNOUNCER
We now take a short break, but up
next: Steve Guttenberg!
INT. BALBOA CIVIC CENTER - NIGHT
Michael sleeps soundly in a big comfy chair at a table for
seven. MUSIC plays on the PA system. Festive lights fill the
room.
Next to Michael, Mrs. Gravely finishes off her drink (a bottle
of Cloudmir Vodka). Yes, she is a bit drunk.
Staid-looking ZONING BOARD MEMBERS sit in the other five big
comfy chairs.
A smattering of applause.
Mrs. Gravely waves her empty bottle at a passing WAITER.
MRS. GRAVELY
More vodka!
The waiter gives her a new bottle. She opens it and pours it
into a glass.
CUT TO a trade-magazine advertisement for one of the big comfy
chairs, labeled "The LX-7000".
NARRATOR
The BIAS fundraiser was providing LX
7000s, some of the most comfortable
chairs in the world...
CUT TO A PHOTO labeled "PREVIOUS YEAR'S FUNDRAISER", showing
the same venue, only with unhappy zoning board members seated
on very cheap metal folding chairs.
NARRATOR
... to make up for a seating fiasco
the previous year that had reduced
contributions by 15%.
BACK TO SCENE
MRS. GRAVELY
Michael, you should say a few words.
Michael grunts, repositions himself slightly. He wedges his
leg in between the seat cushion and the chair's arm. He
wedges his forearm between the chair's arm and the chair's
back.
Mrs. Gravely reaches over and shakes Michael.
MRS. GRAVELY
Michael...
Michael wakes up. He's woozy.
ANGLE ON the chair, where Michael's arm and leg are wedged
into the chair seams.
NARRATOR
Unfortunately, it's easy for clothing
to get caught in the LX-7000.
BACK TO SCENE.
Michael gets up quickly. His pants and half of his jacket
tear apart as he does so. Mrs. Gravely is looking the other
way at that moment.
NARRATOR
As Michael soon discovered.
MRS. GRAVELY
... about your moral character.
Michael takes it all in, woozy and nonplussed.
NARRATOR
And so Michael, without pants, woozy
from the Breezifan, and asked to give
a speech to pillars of his community
including his seventh-grade English
teacher, came to the only logical
conclusion.
MICHAEL
It's a nightmare!
NARRATOR
And then he remembered Tobias's
advice about ending a nightmare by
splashing himself with cold water.
ANGLE ON the glass of Cloudmir vodka, which Michael grabs.
NARRATOR
It wasn't water.
Michael splashes the vodka in his face, blinks, and then
prepares to scream.
EXT. THE MODEL HOME - NIGHT
A single light illuminates the kitchen window.
THE MICROWAVE BEEPS.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The TV fills the empty room with flickering light and soft
background noise.
Michael enters, carrying a mug of warm milk.
A DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.
Maeby enters from the front foyer, visibly haunted, still
wearing her banana-stand apron.
She notices Michael and the TV.
MICHAEL
I made the news again.
CUT TO a TV still image of Michael in mid-scream, which
TRANSITIONS TO the NEWS DESK. The still image appears as a
GRAPHIC. The CHIRON reads "Faux Pas at Gutten Night".
ANCHORMAN
Another "Bluth Blooper" after this!
BACK TO SCENE
Michael puts the mug on the table and stretches out on the
couch.
Maeby sees the TV image.
MAEBY
What happened?
MICHAEL
It was my worst nightmare. But
y'know, after you experience what
you're most afraid of... you're still
okay.
Michael falls asleep.
The TV shows footage of the Balboa Dance Festival.
Spooked, Maeby grabs the remote and turns it off.
She steals Michael's mug and takes a sip.
NARRATOR
On the next Arrested Development...
INT. KLUMPY'S - NIGHT
Ted occupies the cleared-out area. A little sign reads "Ted's
Magic Night". The Maitre D' looks on.
A SMALL CHILD holds a playing card. His MOTHER looks on.
NARRATOR
GOB tries a different bribe...
TED
Was this your card?
Ted pulls out a playing card from his jacket. In the process,
he rips the jacket off.
Ted looks nonplussed. The small child runs to his mother, who
eyes Ted sternly.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - KITCHEN - DAY
George-Michael sits at the counter. He watches his hand
intently as he waggles his fingers.
Michael dumps the Breezifan down the sink.
NARRATOR
George-Michael tries coffee for the
first time...
INT. THE MODEL HOME - DINING ROOM - DAY
Lindsay, still wearing the headphones, sits at the table and
looks at a newspaper.
ANGLE ON: the newspaper, which shows a large photo of a
Mexican street festival. Tobias, in the foreground, wearing a
poncho and sombrero, waves at the camera. The photo's caption
reads "Mexican Piņata Festival".
NARRATOR
... and Tobias flees from police
inquiries.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - DINING ROOM - DAY
Same as before.
LINDSAY
Is that Dave Attell?
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW