Arrested Develoment - Rocky Balboa
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A boombox plays "The Final Countdown". A top hat sits on the
table. Several knives stick into the hat. GOB flourishes a
long knife while Tobias looks on.
NARRATOR
Michael wasn't the only Bluth family
member furthering his career.
GOB plunges the knife down into the hat.
GOB
And now you see the rabbit...
GOB pulls the long knife from a hat. It has impaled a stuffed
bunny rabbit.
GOB
... is completely okay.
Tobias gasps.
Lindsay enters, with the noise-cancelling headphones around
her neck.
LINDSAY
What happened to Mr. Fluffytail?
GOB hastily puts away the long knife.
GOB
Showbiz stuff.
TOBIAS
She's not on the showbiz wavelength.
LINDSAY
Funny -- today I got a paying job for
a film.
NARRATOR
They had 'paid' her by letting her
buy the noise-cancelling headphones
at a significant discount.
TOBIAS
And I managed to get a bit part on
House.
INT. HOUSE AUDITIONS - DAY
Tobias enacts a monolog in front of a small crowd of bald,
moustached gentlemen. He wears a patient's gown.
NARRATOR
This was a lie. Tobias had
auditioned for the Fox show...
TOBIAS
"I ain't crazy, but I is real
threatening."
NARRATOR
Adding a unique touch to his monolog.
Tobias dramatically pulls a (real) gun and aims it. People
duck, generally panic, etc.
NARRATOR
Unfortunately, the show's star was
just around the corner.
ANGLE ON: HUGH LAURIE, who jerks back a couple of steps and
peers around the corner at Tobias.
NARRATOR
He didn't get the job, and from then
on, actor Hugh Laurie was convinced
Tobias was trying to kill him...
INT. HOUSE TRAILER - DAY
Mr. Laurie eats Chee-tos and watches a small CCTV with footage
of Tobias arguing with a barrista in a café.
NARRATOR
... and obsessed on tracking Tobias's
activities.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Right back where we left off.
Lindsay puts her noise-cancelling headphones over her ears.
LINDSAY
After my tough showbiz day, I think
I'll go to sleep.
TOBIAS
... but not with me, of course.
Because I have work to do... House
work, that is. Huh? Huh?
Tobias exits -- all the false confidence leaves him once he's
no longer looking at GOB.
GOB
I've got to get a showbiz gig.
INT. BIAS FUNDRAISER AUDITIONS - DAY
DORIS and ANDREA, a couple of elderly volunteers with name
tags, sit at a desk. A sign reads "BIAS Fundraiser
Auditions". They look on in horror as GOB stabs a big knife
into a hat with several knives stuck into it.
DORIS
Mister Bluth! That's horrific!
GOB looks puzzled. He holds up the long knife -- again, he's
impaled the stuffed bunny on it. GOB laughs it off.
GOB
And the other six knives didn't stab
the rabbit. It's a quality illusion.
The volunteers look on in shock.
GOB
This is because I got kicked out of
the Magician's Guild, isn't it?
Doris and Andrea share a worried look.
NARRATOR
Neither Doris nor Andrea had heard of
the Magician's Guild.
DORIS
(HUMORING THE CRAZY MAN) Sure.
GOB
I've got to get back into the guild.
EXT. MODEL HOME - NIGHT
The house is completely dark. Crickets CHIRP.
A DOOR OPENS.
INT. MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
George-Michael enters and turns on the light. He is exhausted
and spattered with chocolate.
Tobias gets up from an easy chair.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Tobias!
TOBIAS
Wondering why I'm awake?
He hugs George-Michael; George-Michael is alarmed.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Am I in trouble?
TOBIAS
I lied about the acting job!
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Aunt Lindsay said you were "Crazed
Patient #3".
Tobias whimpers.
George-Michael extricates himself from the hug.
TOBIAS
Never mind... just go to sleep.
George-Michael heads for his room.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Yeah, the dance festival is crazy.
George-Michael exits.
NARRATOR
Suddenly, Tobias saw a new way to
prove himself as an entertainer.
TOBIAS
Dance?
EXT. THE DOCKS - NIGHT
GOB walks along the empty, shadowy quayside. He wears the
black outfit and watch cap from the first scene.
TED (38) -- dramatic, clean-cut, more than a little paranoid --
steps out of the shadows. Ted is about the same height &
build as GOB, and wears an obviously-cheap black suit.
TED
GOB.
GOB
Ted. Where were you last night?
TED
The location was compromised.
Alliance spies.
GOB
Well, I waited until three in the
morning!
EXT. REST STOP - NIGHT
GOB (in the black outfit and watch cap) sits at a picnic table
at a rest stop by the highway. BARRY ZUCKERCORN slinks by,
notices GOB, stops.
BARRY
GOB? What are you doing here?
GOB
Nothing. What are you doing here?
BARRY
Nothing.
An uncomfortable pause.
EXT. THE DOCKS - NIGHT
Right back where we left off with GOB and Ted.
TED
Security is a top priority. What
you're proposing is against all the
rules of the Magicians' Alliance.
GOB
Listen, I have money. I have
connections to the upper crust of
society.
NARRATOR
GOB had neither.
TED
If you make it worth my while, I can
get you back in the Alliance.
GOB
In your face, Doris!
A confused Ted mouths: "Doris?"
INT. LUCILLE'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - DAY
Michael enters, dressed casually. LUPE vacuums the rug.
(It's quite loud.) LUCILLE sits at a table wearing the high
tech headphones and reading the latest issue of Balboa Bay
Reader. (Graphic: a couple, dancing balboa. Headline:
"Balboa Dance Fever!") BUSTER sits beside Lucille, polishing
her jewelry collection.
Lupe sees Michael, turns off the vacuum.
MICHAEL
Mom?
Michael touches Lucille's shoulder. She takes off the
headphones.
MICHAEL
Mom, where do I buy tickets to the
BIAS fundraiser?
LUCILLE
You came all the way here just to ask
me that?
MICHAEL
I guess you couldn't hear the phone
over the vacuuming.
BUSTER enters from his room.
BUSTER
Did you say the BIAS fundraiser?!
LUCILLE
You can't go, Buster.
MICHAEL
What's at the BIAS fundraiser?
NARRATOR
Only one thing could motivate Buster
to try to get to the fundraiser at
all costs.
BUSTER
Steve Guttenberg!
CUT TO a computer screen showing a Steve Guttenberg fansite.
NARRATOR
Buster had run a fansite called
"Project Guttenberg"...
CUT TO a computer screen showing the Project Gutenberg website
(with a large graphic of Johann Gutenberg).
NARRATOR
... until another site with the same
name forced him to shut it down.
BACK TO SCENE
LUCILLE
Nobody likes a creepy fan, Buster.
BUSTER
(CREEPILY) I'm not creepy.
MICHAEL
Tracking Steve Guttenberg's speaking
engagements is kind of creepy.
LUCILLE
I'll call you. (STAGE WHISPER) When
Buster's not here.
INT. LUCILLE'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - DAY (LATER)
Again, Lupe vacuums and Lucille has her headphones on. GOB
stands right in front of Lucille, but she ignores him.
NARRATOR
Later, GOB arrived as scheduled.
GOB
So, if you could loan me some money.
Or if you could get Ted into some
kind of upper-crust soiree.
Lucille doesn't respond.
GOB
Fine. I give up.
GOB exits. Lucille signals Lupe; Lupe stops vacuuming.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Tobias sits in the same chair. George-Michael enters.
NARRATOR
That night, George-Michael returned
home from work to an alarmingly
familiar situation.
TOBIAS
Back so soon?
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Maeby's manning the stand.
EXT. THE BANANA STAND - NIGHT
Steve Holt leans against the counter, talking to Maeby, who
stands behind the counter and listens wearily. Steve Holt
demonstrates a dance move.
STEVE HOLT
... and in that turn, balance is key,
'cos --
MAEBY
You know what? Don't talk.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Right back where we left off.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Do you just wait in the chair all
night for me to come home?
TOBIAS
Yes... to thank you!
GEORGE-MICHAEL
That's a little less creepy.
TOBIAS
For telling me about the Dance
Festival! I'm entering the dance
contest with Lindsay!
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lindsay is fast asleep, hi-tech headphones on her head.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Tobias hands some DANCE-CONTEST TICKETS to George-Michael.
TOBIAS
Take these extra tickets, and I'll go
tell Lindsay about the contest. "Not
an entertainer", my eye!
Tobias exits.
GOB enters, carrying a CLASSY-LOOKING SUIT on a hanger.
GOB
George-Michael. Your Dad isn't home,
is he?
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Not yet, I --
GOB leaves the suit on the couch and darts upstairs.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
That can't be good.
Lindsay enters wearing the headphones. Tobias follows.
TOBIAS
It'll be fun!
Lindsay sits on the couch, accidentally sitting on the suit.
She looks at the label.
ANGLE ON: the label of the suit: "Armooning".
LINDSAY (O.S.)
"Armooning"?
CUT TO a shot of a fashion catalog for the "Armooning Fall
Collection".
NARRATOR
Armooning, a fashion label that
catered to the exotic dance
industry...
INT. FASHION CATWALK - DAY
A MALE MODEL walks along the catwalk in a sharp suit, while
PHOTOGRAPHERS snap photos.
NARRATOR
... was known for its knockoffs of
fashionable clothing lines...
INT. GARMENT FACTORY - DAY
A bored GARMENT WORKER holds up two pieces of fabric attached
along a Velcro seam. She tears them apart and puts them back
together.
NARRATOR
... and their patented "E-Z-Tear"
Velcro seams.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Michael enters (still dressed casually) in a hurry, holding up
a ticket marked "RASP".
MICHAEL
Got the fundraiser ticket! Need
coffee.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
Let me make it.
MICHAEL
You sure, buddy?
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (5 YEARS AGO)
This is different from the model-home living room. George
Michael sits in an easy chair and watches the TV in horror.
NARRATOR
George-Michael had never made coffee,
on account of early exposure to
Mormon propaganda about the dangers
of caffeine.
TV ACTOR #1 (ON TV)
He's dead!
TV ACTOR #2 (ON TV)
Another life ruined... by the demon
caffeine!
INT. THE MODEL HOME - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A pot of coffee brews in the coffee maker. George-Michael
opens the large canister of Breezifan that we saw at the
start.
NARRATOR
... which was why George-Michael
mistook Breezifan for non-dairy
creamer.
EXT. THE MODEL HOME - DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
GOB, in his all-black "Ted meeting" gear, stands in front of a
brick wall.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, GOB and Ted met at yet
another secret location.
Ted enters, dressed as before.
TED
This is your house?
WIDER SHOT REVEALS: yes, it's the model home.
GOB
No! Don't go! I've got a bribe for
you. A classy Armani suit.
TED
(INTRIGUED) Hmm....
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
GOB and Ted sneak into the front door.
GOB
Where's my suit?
Ted eyes GOB suspiciously.
INT./EXT. THE STAIR CAR/THE HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Michael drives the stair car down the highway. He looks a
little drugged. He wears GOB's suit.
NARRATOR
It was on Michael.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Same as before.
ANGLE ON: the Breezifan warning list.
NARRATOR
The Breezifan had made him
absentminded, and he put on GOB's
suit...
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Right where we left off.
ANGLE ON: the BIAS ticket on the living-room coffee table.
NARRATOR
... and forgotten his ticket -- which
would answer GOB's second question.
GOB
(TO HIMSELF) Now what am I gonna get
this guy?
GOB sees the ticket, grabs it, hands it to Ted.
TED
Wow! Thanks!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO