Arrested Develoment - Rocky Balboa
"ROCKY BALBOA"
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. MODEL HOME - NIGHT
A single light shines in the kitchen window.
NARRATOR
It was 3am, and Michael couldn't
sleep.
A second light turns on.
A MICROWAVE BEEPS.
INT. MODEL HOME - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
MICHAEL (in pajamas) looks pretty beat. He takes a glass of
warm milk out of the microwave.
LINDSAY enters (in pajamas), points to a canister of
"Breezifan Herbal Supplement" on the kitchen counter.
LINDSAY
Put some Breezifan in that.
MICHAEL
Breezifan causes short-term memory
loss and that hand thing.
ANGLE ON: the warning list on the side of the canister of
Breezifan, which lists a slew of side effects, including
"Fatigue", "Memory Loss", "Paranoia", "Phantom Limb Pain", and
"Hand-Fascination Syndrome".
NARRATOR
Those were two of Breezifan's twenty
seven possible side-effects.
BACK TO SCENE
LINDSAY
You need sleep.
MICHAEL
I'm fine.
LINDSAY
("Aha!")
You're having nightmares again.
MICHAEL
(LYING) No.
TOBIAS enters theatrically (in pajamas).
TOBIAS
Ah, the terrors of the night.
MICHAEL
It's 3:15 -- why are you people up?
Tobias puts a hand on Michael's shoulder. Discomfort.
TOBIAS
No one is immune.
Michael tries to get out of his grasp.
TOBIAS
I, for one, have this recurring dream
of a giant eel, trying to squirm its
little way into my --
MICHAEL
Tobias, this won't help anybody
sleep.
TOBIAS
My point is, I have nightmares, too.
INT. MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (A FEW MINUTES
EARLIER)
Tobias and Lindsay are asleep. Tobias tosses and turns a bit.
CAPTION: "A few minutes earlier"
TOBIAS
(MURMURING) No... no....
Tobias bolts upright and awake, in terror.
TOBIAS
(TO NO ONE) Lindsay, stop kissing me
there!
Lindsay wakes up, gets out of bed, stomps out of the room;
Tobias doesn't notice.
In the kitchen, THE MICROWAVE BEEPS.
INT. MODEL HOME - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Right where we left off.
TOBIAS
If you have a nightmare, just wake
yourself up. In the dream, splash
cold water on your face, or pinch
yourself on the --
Michael takes a protective step away from Tobias.
The FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.
MICHAEL
I get the idea.
GOB enters, dressed in all black.
GOB
So, Michael's having the naked dream
again.
MICHAEL
Doesn't anyone sleep around here?
INT. MODEL HOME - MAEBY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
MAEBY is asleep, tossing and turning a bit, but smiling.
GEORGE-MICHAEL is very awake, all pent-up frustration.
MAEBY
(MURMURING) Mmm. Steve Holt.
BACK TO SCENE
GOB
Lemme guess: big speech for work, no
idea what you're gonna say, no
pants...
Tobias chuckles.
TOBIAS
And on that note, it's back to
Slumbertown with me!
Tobias exits with a spring in his step. Lindsay notices
Michael still has the mug of warm milk.
LINDSAY
Are you gonna drink that?
INT./EXT. THE STATION WAGON/LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Lindsay looks glamorous, in contrast to the station wagon she
drives through the fashionable neighborhood.
NARRATOR
The next day, Lindsay tried to visit
her mother.
INT. THE BLUTH HOME - DAY (1975)
Two infants (BABY LINDSAY and BABY MICHAEL) throw food at each
other, screaming at the top of their lungs.
NARRATOR
When Michael and Lindsay were babies,
Lucille bought a pair of noise
cancelling headphones.
ANGLE ON: A YOUNGER LUCILLE sits at the kitchen table,
ignoring the children and reading a magazine (the Balboa Bay
Window, with the headline "Music for the Ages with the Captain
and Tennille").
She wears noise-cancelling headphones.
NARRATOR
Lindsay knew that those headphones
could solve her sleep problem.
INT. THE MODEL HOME - LINDSAY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Again, Lindsay and Tobias are asleep, but Tobias is tossing
and turning. Tobias sits bolt upright.
TOBIAS
(TO NO ONE) No, Chuck Norris, we just
can't!
Lindsay's eyes open.
INT./EXT. THE STATION WAGON/LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Pylons block the road; behind the pylons, a DIRECTOR, a
CAMERAMAN and TWO ACTORS shoot a scene around a (faked) car
accident. A pair of noise-cancelling headphones hangs around
the cameraman's neck. One of the actors ("Actor #1") wears
shoes identical to Lindsay's.
Lindsay approaches the pylon-barrier in the station wagon.
LINDSAY
(ANNOYED) What?
ANGLE ON: Lindsay's fancy shoes; a loose strap from her right
shoe is tangled around the gas pedal. Lindsay tries to hit
the brakes.
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS
The station wagon shudders forward, with Lindsay panicking
inside.
The cameraman films the station wagon.
The station wagon flattens a pylon, knocks over a streetside
trash bin, and stops.
LINDSAY
Dammit!
She stumbles out of the station wagon and starts kicking it.
DIRECTOR
(SOTTO VOCE) Are you getting this?
The cameraman nods.
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, Michael dealt with the
problem that was keeping him awake.
EXT. PRISON - DAY
The stair car sits in the parking lot. A bit of "mystical"
music plays.
GEORGE SR. (O.S.)
I hear your troubles.
INT. PRISON VISITATION LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
INMATES and VISITORS converse while GUARDS look on. Michael
and GEORGE SR. sit at a table. George Sr. wears a makeshift
yamulke. Michael looks troubled.
A map of "The Sudden Valley Development" covers the table. It
shows a larger area in green and a smaller, peripheral area in
red.
GEORGE SR.
Just one DVD.
MICHAEL
I'll get you a copy of Soapdish.
George Sr. smiles beatifically.
GEORGE SR.
Ah!
MICHAEL
Now if the zoning board blocks --
GEORGE SR.
It's such a good movie.
MICHAEL
Dad?
Michael points at the red area.
MICHAEL
If the zoning board blocks us from
buying this land, we won't have room
to build the houses we promised.
GEORGE SR.
You always worry about worst-case
scenarios.
George Sr. takes a closer look at Michael.
GEORGE SR.
Have you been losing sleep over this?
MICHAEL
(LYING) No.
GEORGE SR.
You're not having the no-pants dream
-
MICHAEL
(LYING) I'm fine. But if the zoning
board doesn't play ball, the Bluth
Company is finished.
GEORGE SR.
Convince the zoning board that you're
a good, upright citizen.
MICHAEL
That's it? Okay.
GEORGE SR.
Y'know, put on a show.
MICHAEL
It won't be a show, but okay.
GEORGE SR.
Pretend to be a decent guy. And
seriously --
He puts his hands on Michael's shoulders.
GEORGE SR.
Face your fears.
GUARD
No touching!
George Sr. retracts both hands, genuinely afraid.
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Lindsay argues with the director. The cameraman holds out a
clipboard and pen. The actors sit by the 'crash', bored.
DIRECTOR
Just sign this release, and we can
use our footage in the film.
LINDSAY
You were filming me?!
DIRECTOR
It's for a video --
LINDSAY
What kind of f(BLEEP)s are you?
CUT TO a shelf of driver's ed videos: "Blood in Balboa",
"Cocaine + Limos: the Deadly Combo", "Drivers with Low Self
Esteem".
NARRATOR
They were the filmmakers behind a
series of successful driver's ed
videos.
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Same as before.
DIRECTOR
This scene is about how you should
wear comfortable shoes while driving.
CAMERAMAN
Instead of what *you're* wearing.
LINDSAY
Wait... I'm going to be in a "what
not to wear" video?
DIRECTOR
Kind of.
LINDSAY
That would be a first.
NARRATOR
Actually, it would be a second.
INT. NEWS 8 STUDIO (ON TV)
The ANCHORMAN sits at the NEWS DESK in front of a picture of
Lindsay in an elaborate (and quite ugly) swan dress (á la
Bjork) at the "Children's Animal Shelter Fundraiser".
A chiron reads "Faux Pas for Poor Pets".
ANCHORMAN
Dressing bad while doing good... up
next.
EXT. LUCILLE'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Lindsay looks happy, the director looks relaxed, and the
others pass the time playing cards.
DIRECTOR
... because glamorous shoes can make
the brake pedal harder to reach.
LINDSAY
So everybody sees how glamorous I am?
DIRECTOR
Exactly.
ACTOR #1
So we aren't shooting the 'crappy
shoes' scene?
Lindsay looks at her own shoes, then at the actor's, then gets
ready to punch the actor.
NARRATOR
Lindsay still hadn't made up her
mind, until she saw some of the
filming equipment.
The cameraman steps in to stop Lindsay.
Lindsay notices something. ANGLE ON: the cameraman's noise
cancelling headphones.
LINDSAY
Let's make a deal.
EXT. BANANA STAND - DAY
In the same pavilion as the banana stand, WORKERS set up a
bandstand with a large banner that reads "BALBOA DANCE
FESTIVAL".
Casually-dressed DANCERS mill around the pavilion. Some of
them dance to the 30S HOT JAZZ (which sounds rather like the
show's score and theme) on the PA system. Among the dancers,
STEVE HOLT dances particularly well.
(Note that they are dancing 'Balboa', a partner dance
characterized by quick, shuffling steps and close proximity
between partners.)
George-Michael walks up to the banana stand.
To his surprise, Maeby is already there. She sees off A
CUSTOMER and turns her attention to George-Michael.
MAEBY
You're late.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
I had trouble sleeping, 'cos...
INT. MODEL HOME - MAEBY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Same scene as earlier.
MAEBY
(MURMURING) Mmm. Steve Holt.
BACK TO SCENE
EXT. BANANA STAND - DAY
Same as before.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
(LYING) 'cos of that demon caffeine.
But... why are you here? You're
never here on time.
Steve Holt walks up to the banana stand.
STEVE HOLT
Hey.
GEORGE-MICHAEL
How may I --
Maeby smoothly steps in front of George-Michael and gently-but
firmly shoves George-Michael aside.
MAEBY
Steve! I didn't know you danced!
STEVE HOLT
Yeah. (PUMPS HIS FISTS IN THE AIR)
Dance Festival!
CUT TO A BLUEPRINT OF THE PAVILION. An arrow labeled "BANANA
STAND" appears, pointing to the banana stand. An arrow
labeled "DANCE FESTIVAL" appears nearby.
NARRATOR
Every year, Balboa Island held a
dance festival right across from the
banana stand...
CUT TO A PHOTO of a 1930's couple dancing balboa in the
pavilion.
NARRATOR
... where a dance called "The Balboa"
had originated in 1932.
BACK TO SCENE
A slower song plays. Maeby glances at a couple dancing very
very close.
STEVE HOLT
(POINTING TO MAEBY AND GEORGE
MICHAEL) You guys watching the
contest?
MAEBY
Yeah!
STEVE HOLT
(PUMPS HIS FISTS IN THE AIR) Steve
Holt!
Maeby can't help but raise her fists slightly as well.
Steve Holt exits across the pavilion.
INT. MRS. GRAVELY'S CLASSROOM - DAY
MRS. GRAVELY (60), middle-aged but still intense, alert, and
severe, sits behind her desk in the otherwise-empty middle
school classroom. The neat rows of desks and drab,
informative wall posters reflect Mrs. Gravely's sense of order
and rectitude.
Michael tentatively enters, wearing casual clothes.
NARRATOR
Michael found out that one of the
members of the zoning board was
Marjorie Gravely, his seventh-grade
English teacher.
MICHAEL
Mrs. Gravely?
MRS. GRAVELY
Michael Bluth, yes? The zoning board
applicant?
MICHAEL
And former student made good.
MRS. GRAVELY
This is irregular, meeting you
without the board present.
MICHAEL
It's not a meeting. (OFF OF MRS.
GRAVELY'S REACTION) It's me...
reminding you that I was a good kid,
and I'm a good guy, and I run a good
company... that you can trust.
MRS. GRAVELY
You? The boy who demonstrated that
ill-fated 'rabbit and the seven
deadly knives' trick?
MICHAEL
That was GOB.
MRS. GRAVELY
And set an entire row of desks on
fire?
MICHAEL
Also GOB.
MRS. GRAVELY
And burst out crying when he got a C
minus on his report on The Grapes of
Wrath?
MICHAEL
Okay, that was me.
Mrs. Gravely rolls her eyes.
MICHAEL
How can I convince the board to trust
me?
MRS. GRAVELY
The entire board is attending
tomorrow night's BIAS fundraiser.
You can meet us informally.
EXT. PUBLIC GARDENS - DAY (1985)
YOUNG GEORGE SR. smiles and cuts the ribbon in front of a park
with a giant pair of scissors. A sign reads "Balboa Island
Animal Sanctuary". Various ATTENDEES applaud.
NARRATOR
BIAS stood for "Balboa Island Animal
Sanctuary", which provided a habitat
for native island creatures.
A little fuzzy creature leaps on George Sr.'s neck. He
screams, drops the scissors, tries to pull it off of him, and
falls out of frame.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
Michael smiles affably as Mrs. Gravely finishes her speech.
MRS. GRAVELY
Perhaps you can make a good
impression.
MICHAEL
Great!
MRS. GRAVELY
Or we'll give you something to cry
about.
Michael stops smiling.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE