The Adventures of Stetson McGraw
Episode 5: Stetson McGraw and the Sunshine Band
SCENE ONE: INTRO
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC.
ANNOUNCER
Radio theatre presents: "The
Adventures of Stetson McGraw".
Episode five: "Stetson McGraw and
the Sunshine Band".
MUSIC: FADE OUT THEME MUSIC.
ANNOUNCER
In our last episode, legendary
lawman Stetson McGraw was caught on
the wrong side of the law, falsely
accused of derailing the Round Rock
Express so that a mysterious bandit
army could steal the train's
equally-mysterious cargo. Joined
by a trio of criminals, and keen to
find some answers, Stetson found
the bandits' giant encampment on
the far side of Waco. But at that
same moment, the bandit army found
Stetson -- and held him at
gunpoint!
SCENE TWO: AN IMPROBABLE STAND OF TREES
SOUND: CRICKETS. OCCASIONAL HORSE NOISES. WIND KICKING UP.
FAINT THUNDER.
SOUND: A RIFLE COCKS.
SOLDIER #1
Halt!
SOLDIER #2
Tell us what you're doing here, or
we kill every one of you!
GIANCARLO
This is not so good.
SOUND: FADE IN THE FAINT RUMBLE OF A RUNAWAY HORSE-DRAWN
CART.
GIANCARLO (CONT'D)
Of course, good sirs. We are
tailors.
STETSON
Huh?
GIANCARLO
And allow me to say, these
uniforms? Not good. Mister Santa
Ana is not happy.
SOLDIER #2
But he designed these himself!
GIANCARLO
And now he sees the limitations of
his fashion sense. You -- turn
that way.
SOUND: THE RUSTLE OF STEPS THROUGH THE GRASS.
GIANCARLO
You too.
SOUND: THE RUSTLE OF STEPS THROUGH THE GRASS.
SOLDIER #1
What are you doing?
GIANCARLO
Distracting you from that oncoming
cart.
SOUND: THE RUNAWAY CART IS QUITE LOUD NOW.
SOLDIER #2
What?
THIEF
Get out of the way!
STETSON
Jump!
SOUND: HORSES GALLOP THROUGH THE GRASS. STETSON AND COMPANY
HIT THE GROUND. SOUND: GUNSHOTS. SCREAMS. A NEIGH.
SOUND: A HORSE LANDS ON THE GROUND. A CREAKING NOISE, THEN
BREAKING WOOD. SOUND: TWO MORE GUNSHOTS. Beat.
SOUND: ANOTHER THUMP. A DISSONANT CHORD PLAYS ON A BANJO.
Beat.
MIKE
It is over.
PAOLO says a prayer in Italian.
GIANCARLO
If they heard that at the camp, we
won't have time to pay our
respects.
STETSON
What was he cartin' around in such
a goldurned hurry, anyhow?
SOUND: A FEW THUMPS OF LUGGAGE BEING MOVED AROUND, AND
SQUEAKS OF CLASPS BEING UNCLASPED.
SOUND: A SLOW STRUM ON A BANJO.
GIANCARLO
A banjo?
SOUND: SEVERAL PEOPLE APPROACH THROUGH THE GRASS, COMPLETELY
OUT OF BREATH.
DANNY sounds confident and cheerful all the time.
DANNY
You stopped him!
GIANCARLO
Absolutely! Stopped who?
DANNY
That blackguard tried to steal my
band's instruments.
STETSON
This is yours?
DANNY
Name's Danny Sunshine. This here's
the Sunshine Band
PAOLO
The Sunshine Band! Paolo adds
something in Italian.
DANNY
Exactly. This is Brent. Brent is
surly, as usual.
BRENT
We ain't payin' a finder's fee.
DANNY
And Sal.
Sal is scared, as usual.
SAL
Uh... hi.
SOUND: VOICES IN THE DISTANCE.
MIKE
No time for formalities; we've got
to go someplace where we'll blend
in. Now.
SOUND: THE VOICES GET LOUDER.
SCENE THREE: THE SALOON
SOUND: THE CLINK OF GLASSES AND A LOUD RUMBLE OF
CONVERSATION.
DANNY
He offered to watch the cart for
us.
BRENT
For free!
SAL
We should have known he'd try to
steal it.
STETSON
Y'all aren't from around here, are
you?
DANNY
Nope, but we love to visit new
places and meet new people!
STETSON
Mr. Sunshine, this is Waco: a
godforsaken hellhole that's only a
little step sideways from anarchy.
'New people' try to kill you. Or
rob you and then kill you.
BRENT
Hey, it's a paying gig.
SAL
Yeah, but it's for... Santa Ana.
GIANCARLO
What?!
MIKE
General Santa Ana?
STETSON
Am I the only feller who reckons
that guy died forty years back?
BRENT
At least he's got money.
SCENE FOUR: A CAMPSITE OUTSIDE WACO
SOUND: BONFIRE, CRICKETS, LIGHT BREEZE This conversation is
whispered quietly.
MIKE
Are we really having this
conversation?
GIANCARLO
Do we even care about Santa Ana?
MIKE
Mad Dog *told* Stetson that Santa
Ana was a great threat to Texas. We
*have* to stop him.
GIANCARLO
Stop a whole army?
MIKE
We can get information.
GIANCARLO
But they don't want to tell us
about Santa Ana. And I'm not sure
we want to know.
STETSON
Well, *I* do.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS THROUGH THE GRASS.
STETSON (CONT'D)
I ain't sayin' I'm *doin'* anything
about it. But when I damn near get
killed a half-dozen times, I want
to know why.
SCENE FIVE: AT THE CAMPSITE
SOUND: SAME AMBIENT NIGHTTIME SOUNDS AS BEFORE, THIS TIME
WITH A FEW PLUCKED BANJO NOTES.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.
DANNY
Stetson! All set to head back to
Austin?
STETSON
Not yet. Listen, Danny: this army
is bad news. You know that. And I
have it on good authority that
they're gonna do something awful to
the whole state of Texas.
DANNY
That wouldn't surprise me.
STETSON
I know you don't *want* to tell me
nothing about Santa Ana. But this
is a chance to do something good.
Something right. Some folks live
their whole lives without a chance
like that.
SAL
Is he threatening us?
BRENT
Or paying us?
DANNY
But Stetson, it ain't no story --
Santa Ana loves old-time music, and
we're one of the last Austin bands
that plays it. One of his foot
soldiers made us a deal.
SAL
We didn't know what Waco was like.
BRENT
Craig did -- he's drunk himself
into a stupor, 'stead of having to
live through one sober day in Waco.
CRAIG groans.
GIANCARLO
That is him over there, in that...
heap?
DANNY
Yup. A real shame, too -- he's our
harmonica player, and this general
guy loves harmonica music.
MIKE
This should be easy to deal with.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS THROUGH THE GRASS.
Craig scats nonsense in an interrogative tone.
MIKE
First, we take away his booze.
SOUND: A BOTTLE BREAKS.
Craig scats nonsense in an angry tone.
Mike screams.
STETSON
Damn, he's quick!
BRENT
When he gets like this, there's no
keeping him from his gin.
SAL
What'll we do?
STETSON
Gentlemen...
MUSIC: A QUICK LITTLE HARMONICA IMPROVISATION.
STETSON (CONT'D)
Come tomorrow, you've got
yourselves a new harmonica player.
SCENE SIX: OUTSIDE THE ENEMY CAMP
SOUND: THE SAME 'ENCAMPMENT' NOISES FROM LAST EPISODE.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS THROUGH THE GRASS.
SAL
This'll never work. They won't
even let us *in* to the camp. We'll
all be killed!
BRENT
Then we won't get paid, Stetson.
STETSON
I'm "Craig", remember? And we'll
get in. Besides, Mike and the two
Italians are warning folks back
home about this here army.
SAL
Will anyone believe them?
DANNY
Quiet everybody! It's showtime!
SOUND: A RIFLE IS COCKED.
SOUND: THE FOOTSTEPS STOP.
SOLDIER #1
Halt! Who goes there?!
DANNY
The name's Danny Sunshine! This
here's Brent, Sal, and Craig --
we're the Sunshine Band!
SOLDIER #2
You are late! El jefe is expecting
you.
SOUND: A GATE CREAKS OPEN.
SOUND: THE 'ENCAMPMENT' SOUNDS GET LOUDER.
The following conversation is whispered.
DANNY
This is amazing! All these
soldiers, and all these
contraptions! (he gasps) What do
you reckon *that* is?
STETSON
That is a very dangerous high-speed
land vehicle.
DANNY
You sure?
STETSON
Yup.
SOUND: A LOUD, DISTANT 'CREAK', AND SOMETHING MASSIVE HITS
THE GROUND.
DANNY
What're they unloading off that
railroad car?
STETSON
I reckon we're gonna find out.
SCENE SEVEN: THE OFFICERS' MESS.
SOUND: SAME AMBIENCE AS BEFORE, ONLY MUTED. THE CLINK OF
DISHES. BACKGROUND CONVERSATION. FOOTSTEPS ON THE GROUND.
SOLDIER #1
This way.
SAL
Where are we going?
SOLDIER #2
To meet el jefe.
STETSON
(under his breath)
Finally!
SANTA ANA's voice is filtered a bit peculiarly, and is always
accompanied by
SOUND: A FEW PFFTS FROM SOME STEAM-POWERED DEVICE, AND A LOW,
CONSTANT GURGLE.
SANTA ANA
Gentlemen!
SOLDIER #1
General Santa Ana, I present to
you: Danny Sunshine--
SANTA ANA
-- and his illustrious Sunshine
Band.
DANNY
Pleased to meet you, um... where
*are* you?
SOUND: A DROPCLOTH IS YANKED INTO THE AIR.
DANNY
Huh!
SAL
What?
STETSON
A BRAIN IN A JAR?! Beat.
SANTA ANA
Who said that?
DANNY
He meant nothin' bad by it, sir, he
was just--
SANTA ANA
(bellowing)
Who dares take offense at my
appearance!
STETSON
Hi. I'm Craig.
SOLDIER #2
Craig shall *die*, jefe!
SANTA ANA
Stay your hand, soldier. They say
this 'Craig' is the greatest
harmonica player in all of Austin,
perhaps all of Texas. It would be
such a waste to kill him.
SOLDIER #1
Sir?
SANTA ANA
All right, gentlemen. Let's hear a
song. If your harmonica player is
as good as they say, he lives. If
not...
SOUND: LOTS OF GUNS ARE READIED.
SANTA ANA (CONT'D)
... he *dies*.
SOUND: INSTRUMENT CASES OPENING. A FEW GUITAR NOTES.
DANNY
Nothin' to worry about. Right,
Craig?
STETSON
Huh?
DANNY
Ah-one, ah-two, ah-one, two, three,
four.
MUSIC: A TWO-MINUTE INSTRUMENTAL, WITH ONE SMALL HARMONICA
SOLO IN THE MIDDLE AND ONE SMALL HARMONICA SOLO AT THE END.
THROUGHOUT, DANNY SHOUTS BITS OF AD-LIB ENCOURAGEMENT TO THE
BAND. BY ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH, THE SOLDIERS ARE CLAPPING
ALONG TO THE MUSIC.
SOUND: RIOTOUS APPLAUSE AS THE SONG ENDS.
SANTA ANA
Wonderful! Wonderful! Forget
everything I said about killing
this gentleman! And put them up in
our finest officers' quarters!
DANNY
That's right nice of you, sir!
SANTA ANA
From there you can see my last
great speech before the invasion.
DANNY
Looking forward to it!
SAL
"Invasion"?
SOUND: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS.
SOLDIER #3
(out of breath)
General Santa Ana, I bring you word
that --
SANTA ANA
Young man, must you interrupt our
celebrations?
SOLDIER #3
One of the musicians, sir! One of
the musicians is... a government
spy!
SOUND: THE SOLDIERS GASP WITH SHOCK.
SANTA ANA
It can't be! These musicians are
brilliant!
SOLDIER #3
But sir, I was sent by --
SANTA ANA
Anyway, which one of these
gentlemen are you accusing?
SOUND: APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.
RUFUS
I am accusing Stetson McGraw, the
disgraced ex-sheriff pretending to
be a mouth harp player!
STETSON
Rufus? You work for Santa Ana?
SANTA ANA
But Rufus, how do you know?
RUFUS
Because this is the very man the
addle-minded governor of Texas
hired to arrest "Mad Dog".
SANTA ANA
Seņor Doud?
RUFUS
Mmm. Our precious little inventor
friend. The one who didn't want
his contraptions falling into the
'wrong hands' after I ordered them
all to be shipped to our
encampment.
SANTA ANA
Then Stetson is on our side, no?
RUFUS
He was, unwittingly, until he
learned the truth about the Round
Rock Express and conspired with
Doud to blow up the train!
STETSON
Hey, I didn't know the truth about
anything!
SANTA ANA
An entire band conspiring against
me. Betraying me! They all must
die!
STETSON
Sir general. It was just me. These
folks are honest musicians. They're
just tryin' to get by.
RUFUS
I think we can give them one last
job.
BRENT
We gettin' paid?
RUFUS
Oh yes. And you'll be able to
watch when the festivities begin.
SCENE EIGHT: THE ENCAMPMENT PARADE GROUNDS.
SOUND: CROWD NOISE.
SOUND: MARCHING FOOTSTEPS THROUGH GRAVEL.
SOUND: THE CROWD NOISE IS SLIGHTLY MUTED. At the same time,
we hear:
RUFUS
(filtered, distant)
Take your seats. El jefe's speech
shall begin in three minutes.
SOLDIER #1
Musicians. This is your cue.
SOUND: THE FOOTSTEPS STOP.
DANNY
He gets one last song. Let's make
it good!
He counts them off. MUSIC: THE BAND PLAYS "TAPS" IN THE
BACKGROUND.
SOLDIER #1
So. The great Stetson McGraw. Not
so great now, is he? The soldiers
laugh.
SOLDIER #2
Your blindfold, Mr. McGraw.
STETSON
I always swore that the man who
shot me, I'd look him in the eye.
SOLDIER #1
Looks like you'll break that vow,
Mr. McGraw.
The soldiers laugh.
SOLDIER #2
Your last cigarette, Mr. McGraw.
SOUND: A MATCH IS STRUCK.
SOUND: STETSON SPITS OUT THE CIGARETTE.
STETSON
My daddy always told me those
things'll kill ya.
SOLDIER #2
Very well, Mr. McGraw.
SOUND: A PUNCH CONNECTS.
STETSON
Oof!
SOUND: A FEW MORE STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS.
SOUND: GUNS ARE COCKED.
SOUND: MORE FOOTSTEPS.
MUSIC: DRUMROLL.
SOLDIER #1
Ready! Aim! Fi--
SCENE NINE: OUTRO
ANNOUNCER
Is this the end for our hero? What
sort of 'invasion' does Santa Ana's
army have in mind? And will the
Sunshine Band ever, ever get paid?
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC.
ANNOUNCER
Find out in the thrilling
conclusion of: "The Adventures of
Stetson McGraw"!